My past has caught up to me ....but in the most amazing way, and I cant help but think Patty had something to do with this . I had a really tough time this past week with losing her, maybe because shes closer than ever, but no matter how close she is now, shes still completely out of my reach ...something that is eating away at me.
They say that time heals all wounds . I personally have not found this to be true, but what I have found is that it TRIES . However, while time is trying to heal wounds, GRIEF is working against it , trying to reopen old wounds.
So even as TIME stitches you up , sets you on your feet and sends you on your way with a little package of confidence that you will get thru this ..... GRIEF comes running up behind you , grabs you by the neck, and rips you all back open .
How much spills out - is up to you . A lot of people become so infected with GRIEF they turn on themselves ....helping to rip their own wounds open, and usually creating new ones . TIME stands by patiently, but sighs sadly .
Eventually after enough of these battles a scar forms ....but scars are only visible proof of unmeasured damage. Scars are only reminders you've fought a battle, they don't help you win or lose .
Ive been losing this week . Badly . So much so Ive been afraid to drive in the car as thats where grief usually attacks me relentlessly. Despite the fact I'm going 65 miles an hour, it seems to have no trouble keeping up . Patty helps me fight ...she sends me songs to show her presence, but driving a car, while fighting grief, and all of it thru swollen eyes and non stop tears isn't the easiest thing .
I am fighting though , and refusing to turn on myself, though trust me the urge is there. This week Patty sent me more than songs. She sent me people. People who meant the absolute WORLD to both of us . People who shared in the most amazing experience with both of us .....people we went to " CAMP " with .
If you didn't go to camp TRUST ME ....YOU MISSED OUT .
I went to two ....but it was my second camp that was so special to Patty and I , it was never out of our thoughts for long . This particular camp is utterly magic . There's something about this place that draws you in and keeps you ...bonds you the land that its built on so that 100 years later you STILL want to go back . And people do . The camps been around for over 100 years and its incredible the way long ago campers find their way back. People from 50 -60 - 70 years ago , still so drawn to the land ....still so aware of its magic .
You cant talk about camp with people who haven't been ...but Ive been thinking about it a lot lately as Patty wished more than anything she could go back . As she got sicker and sicker , the urge got stronger and stronger . There wasn't a day that went by that she didn't say "hey doesn't that smell remind you of camp" , or perk up at the sound of a " camp song " on the radio .
I truly cant help but think she had a hand in the mini reunion going on now . The memories that are coming back to life are precious and priceless as more people join in and add to them .
There's strength in these memories ...strength in reminiscing with Patty's oldest Best-est friends ....with seeing pictures of her when she was strong and happy . Strength that slows down grief ....... SO even though it still rips my heart out , it can no longer throw it on the ground and stomp it into a million little pieces .
Makes it much easier to pick up and put back .
